


Unforgivable

by tittysatan



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, general trauma stuff, illumi is there only in spirit, light self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 07:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13049352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tittysatan/pseuds/tittysatan
Summary: "You don't have the right to make friends."Killua wishes he could believe that wasn't true.





	Unforgivable

“Good night, Killua.”

“Good night, Gon.”

The hotel room was neither as dark nor as quiet as it could have been – Yorknew never slept, and lights and the sounds of traffic filtered in through the blinds. Killua turned his back on them and watched Gon where he lay, cuddling his pillow in the other bed, shifting now and again to get comfortable. He looked so innocent. It made Killua’s gut twist with something he couldn’t name.

“…Gon,” he finally managed to say.

“Hm?” the other boy replied,  clear brown eyes bright even in the dark.

“…I’ve killed people.”

Gon blinked, cocked his head. “I know.”

“No, I mean…” Killua felt like he was drowning in those eyes, like he couldn’t breathe. “I’ve killed a lot of people. I don’t even know how many. Hundreds.”

“Yeah?” Gon replied.

“I never even knew why I was killing them, only that someone with money wanted them dead. I didn’t know anything about them. My brother or my dad would give me some information, and I’d go do it.”

Gon propped himself up on an arm to look at him. “Why’re you telling me all this?”

Killua curled up tight, wrapping his arms around his knees. “…what you said to that sword guy. About being able to kill strangers.”

“Hm…” He frowned thoughtfully. “That’s different, though!”

“No it’s not.” Killua pulled the blankets closer around him, but he still felt so cold. “I’m just like them.”

“You’re not!”

“Of course I am.” His chest was hollow and burning, like knives with every word. “I’m a killer.”

“You’re my friend!” Gon said.

Killua felt sick.

“You’re my friend,” Gon repeated. “You don’t do that sorta stuff anymore, right? So you’re different.”

“…yeah.” It hurt worse than any torture as Killua laughed. “…good night.”

“…good night,” Gon said, not looking away from Killua, not closing his eyes,  a worried frown on his face.

Killua turned to face the other way.

He was so simple. Gon had the innocence of a wild animal, innocence that is the ignorance of sin, that lets you tear out throats and feel nothing. Killua was his friend, so nothing else mattered.

It made Killua want to die.

_You’re a natural-born killer,_ his brother had told him, arms around him, stroking his hair. _You’re hollow, and no one who can see that will ever love you. Even if you try to hide what you are, sooner or later they’ll realize, and they’ll hate you even more for deceiving them._ Illumi caressed his face, forehead to forehead. _But I love that about you. I’m the only one who will ever love you because what you are, instead of in spite of it._

Neon lights colored his face in bright thin lines, and there were phantom hands on his skin.

It was very easy for Killua to tell himself no, that’s not true, it was just Illu-nii’s way of trying to control him, and that Gon really did consider him a friend, and that was all that mattered. That even if he told him he enjoyed killing, Gon wouldn't hate him for it.

It was impossible for Killua to believe it.

_You’ll come back_ , that too-familiar voice whispered to him. _He’ll betray you, or you’ll betray him, and you’ll come back to the only one who you know never will._

But I’m happy with him, he told himself.

_What makes you think you deserve to be happy?_

Killua scratched lines down his arms, not enough to draw blood but enough to hurt, enough to chase away the hands for at least a moment.

When he turned to look, Gon was asleep. He looked so peaceful, like he didn’t have a care in the world.

The sun would come up, and Gon would be there, and smile and say good morning, and it would be possible to pretend that this was all somehow forgivable.

Killua just had to wait until then.


End file.
